Giver or taker in a conversation? Mindset for effective communication
Are you talking TO or WITH people? Recognising the difference in your conversation style is key for getting things done and working things out. This way you improve the quality of a conversation, regardless if you are on the giving or receiving end. What exactly do you give, what do you take away? This article is about achieving an effective balance of both.
In a good conversation, the speed is not set. It needs to be variable. You steer the give and take by varying the speed.
Beware of autopilot: Taking the lead is not the same as being effective
Taking the lead in a conversation is often mistaken as a guarantee for being effective. As long as you are speaking, you are in charge. This way of thinking drives many of us into autopilot conversations. On autopilot, we think we are on top of things, but in fact we are not connecting. Our conversations wear out and disengage people. We are unable to detect where slowing down a conversation would gain us time and where speeding things up would be needed. Autopilot drives conversations into the wall. Unlike in a car, most of the time you do not hear the crash. You then need to deal with the damage and you are not where you want to be.
On the receiving end, if you leave a conversation feeling you have wasted your time and drained your energy, ask yourself what happened. Why did you not speak up?
Correcting Malfunction in autopilot talk
When it comes to giving advice, never do so unless you’ve first received a request in writing, signed by a lawyer.
Marshall B. Rosenberg
I often feel like wearing this quote on my forehead. I am asked to tell something about myself and the second I pause, or even before, a friend, colleague or someone else offers advice or opinion. They finish my sentences. Dominating conversations this way is clearly an autopilot malfunction.
However, these people still think that they are giving. They are just not aware that they are not giving what you wanted. You wanted to finish your story first before indicating to the other what exactly you want to take away. With serial offenders it pays off to open the conversation with the request that you would like to tell your story or present your case, and that you need him or her to hear it. Ask for confirmation. This way you can remind the person later what you agreed.
Effective communication is driven by creating relationships
Autopilot talk is a short-lived pleasure. You need to reach people on an emotional level. This is how you connect. Make sure you are paying attention to them. Not letting people talk is rude and what is more, you miss information you need. The efficient approach is to listen and then enquire what the other really wants: Do you hear what the other wants and needs? Bring your expertise in where it fits.
At the receiving end you contribute to losing connection by not pointing out your needs. In the spirit of Marshall Rosenberg, decide for yourself what your needs are, what you want to take out of a conversation. And then say it.
Understanding what drives the conversation in terms of give and take can reveal what is missing and what needs to be changed. That applies to content and people. There is no need to have a perfect balance in terms of speaking time in every single conversation. Find out for yourself which balance works best for you!
