Bearing the Idiot: Managing difficult conversations
What an idiot! It pops up in our minds like a reflex. Calling another person that name stops communication and ends our readiness to cooperate. Unfortunately, that way we drift apart too quickly. We destroy the operational basis for working together.
Find out how to overcome this impulse and discover handling idiots as an essential skill, at work and life in general.
Label and Obstacle
“Idiot” is a powerful label because it covers two judgements with one word: ignorant and wrong. This is difficult ground to overcome for whatever you wanted to get done in the first place. Since the effects of quitting talking to each other are so counterproductive, it is worth looking into how we use this label and how harmful it becomes for our thinking and speaking.
In a professional context, sticking the idiot label on someone does not get you anywhere. You lock yourself in a mental waiting room. Replace anger with curiosity! Once you have a clearer view on what is going on in the conversation you can address it. It is not about knowing more or knowing, but about seeing what is going on and being able to address it.
What an…..
Just thinking it is already extremely disruptive. It blocks conversations and stops our understanding what other people are saying. Successful conversations need your full presence. Stay there and try to figure out what exactly it is that is irritating you. Is it the way a person behaves or what she is saying? Take the thought “what an ……..” as an invitation to have a closer look.
Idiotic behaviour – name what is wrong
Behaviour is visible and can be addressed. Bad behaviour and rule breaking needs to be named. Just describe what you see, like “you are interrupting”, be clear and concrete. Name your own needs for a successful conversation. Be aware of power games and manipulative behaviour.
Opinions are often assumptions – double-check your intuition and experience
The spontaneous reaction “idiotic” to a story you hear is most likely a signal for a lack of understanding, experience and competence on your side. Sharpen your observation to uncover that. You control what you want to understand.
The idiot label as an excuse for not handling people and topics
When used for not dealing with someone or with a specific topic the idiot label becomes a symbol for your own limitations and issues. Avoidance tactic can become a serious obstacle in the way you interact with others. even if it is only a thought, when you mentally write someone off without speaking about it.
In general, the feeling is mutual. Be proactive and move the conversation using your curiosity. That is a real game changer. Give it a try and enjoy what it does!
